SIPA Student Really Fucking Busy

Spends majority of time whining about work instead of doing it

 

morningsideroastBy Max Marder

Joseph Lyons (MIA ‘14) is really goddamn busy, the Morningside Roast has learned.

Friends and onlookers reported that the Stats DRA Lyons, who is also a board member of multiple student groups, spent the majority of Monday afternoon monologuing to friends about the toil and privation of this SIPA life.

“I’ve got three tests, five papers, two oral presentations, plus a group project, fellowship applications and some stuff for my internship,” Lyons complained and humble-bragged to several people in turn, first in the Lehman group study area, then on the fourth floor, then on the sixth floor, and finally at Haakon’s.

“This is like the hardest I’ve ever worked on anything,” said Lyons as he copied notes from his Theory of International Methods for Sustainable Development Practice classmate.

“SIPA’s definitely not just a mill for grinding wide-eyed yuppies into endowment money,” Lyons averred.

The Morningside Roast independently confirmed that Lyons told a group of acquaintances about the complete bullshit events he had to plan for his student groups during the time he was supposed to have been in a meeting for a group project he was unintentionally free-riding on.

Meanwhile, Lyons “hasn’t been to the gym since mid-terms” and survives on “pad thai, Subsconscious, and bags of Ruffles from the vending machines.”

“Finals dude. They’re killing me,” Lyons G-chatted to a friend from college while Netflix played in the background. “On Buzzfeed’s ‘16 Reasons You Know Finals Are Torturing You,’ I’m totally #13.”

“I haven’t been this tired and filthy since Peace Corps in Namibia,” Lyons told yet another student at the SIPASA Boat Party, which he attended instead of studying. “So obviously I have no time to socialize,” he said.

“He seems really stressed out,” said Kirsten Huang (MIA ‘14), Lyons’ friend. “Venting can help, but eventually he needs to shut the fuck up and actually get his work done.”

At press time, Lyons was on the phone pacing about the sixth-floor hallway, telling his mom all the work he had to do before the semester was over.

 

Max Marder is a second-year Master of International Affairs student.

 

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Max Marder is a second-year Master of International Affairs candidate at the Columbia University School of International and Public Affairs and the editor-at-large of the Morningside Post. You can find him on Twitter @maxamarder

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